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The muffled sound of shuffling feet
Nov. 8th, 2005 09:37 amThere's something I've been meaning to address lately, but I don't quite know how to do so without sounding either egotistical or falsely modest. It's a complex thing, kind of uncomfortable. So I guess I'll just get to the point.
I've gotten a lot of comments and emails of late saying that I'm inspirational, strong. I don't know how to feel about them. On one hand, they're incredibly flattering, a good pick-me-up on the days where I wish I'd just stayed in bed. But on the other hand, I feel-- undeserving. I feel like because the material that makes up this journal is presented by me, that I'm presenting myself in only a partial, flattering way. I feel like if these people really knew me, they wouldn't find me so inspirational. They'd see the insecurities, the pettiness, the snappishness, the selfishness. Those things are not so wonderful, but they're also part of me.
When it comes down to it, I'm just a girl making her way through the world. Sometimes I don't stand up for myself in the ways that I want to. Hell, if I were so strong, I've have told my parents to go fuck themselves years ago. I held back out of a sense of self-preservation and this desperate need for them to somehow acknowlege me, accept me. I'm coming to terms with the fact that that may never happen-- not because I'm the villain that they portray me to be, but because they're so fundamentally limited that they don't even perceive the damage they cause. I have a whole post that I have in my head-- a letter to my mother. A letter she will never read-- partially because she would probably only understand every third sentence and partially because even if she did, she would deny it. It wouldn't reach her.
I have days when I despair. When I give up. When I curl up in a ball and sob. It happens, and some times it takes me awhile to pick myself back up. Depression is real, and it's hard. I hardly find that inspirational. So when people say those things, I feel like such a fraud. Just a girl.
I don't know. Maybe I just don't know how to take a compliment.
I've gotten a lot of comments and emails of late saying that I'm inspirational, strong. I don't know how to feel about them. On one hand, they're incredibly flattering, a good pick-me-up on the days where I wish I'd just stayed in bed. But on the other hand, I feel-- undeserving. I feel like because the material that makes up this journal is presented by me, that I'm presenting myself in only a partial, flattering way. I feel like if these people really knew me, they wouldn't find me so inspirational. They'd see the insecurities, the pettiness, the snappishness, the selfishness. Those things are not so wonderful, but they're also part of me.
When it comes down to it, I'm just a girl making her way through the world. Sometimes I don't stand up for myself in the ways that I want to. Hell, if I were so strong, I've have told my parents to go fuck themselves years ago. I held back out of a sense of self-preservation and this desperate need for them to somehow acknowlege me, accept me. I'm coming to terms with the fact that that may never happen-- not because I'm the villain that they portray me to be, but because they're so fundamentally limited that they don't even perceive the damage they cause. I have a whole post that I have in my head-- a letter to my mother. A letter she will never read-- partially because she would probably only understand every third sentence and partially because even if she did, she would deny it. It wouldn't reach her.
I have days when I despair. When I give up. When I curl up in a ball and sob. It happens, and some times it takes me awhile to pick myself back up. Depression is real, and it's hard. I hardly find that inspirational. So when people say those things, I feel like such a fraud. Just a girl.
I don't know. Maybe I just don't know how to take a compliment.
