Dulcissime

It has been a long but pretty good two weeks. I started it off by getting sick as hell. Jason gave me the Head Cold Of Doom, and I was down for the count for almost four days. Like, couldn't open both eyes at the same time sick. It was not fun.

But I came out of it just in time to stop at Laura & Jen's impromptu memorial day get together. I've been slowly making up social rainchecks that I had to issue while I was ill-- Karyn & I met at the NGA for delicious food (bourbon and apricot glazed turkey, omfg) and then a wander to the butterfly garden at the natural history museum. Abby and I met up for a jaunt around the botanical gardens and then a trip to the Freer-Sackler to see Whistler's Peacock Room, and a modern art piece based on it, Filthy Lucre / REMIX (aka, the Peacock Room as a nightmare-scape). It was immersive and absolutely wonderful, so if you like art, you should definitely go see it.

I got to go to the zoo with my family (including baby Zeke), and it's awesome just how much he loves animals. Like, he spent half the day blowing kisses to the animals. Adorable. Sunday, Jason and I hit up Tacoma Park for brunch at Republic and a trip around the farmer's market for heirloom tomatoes, Atwaters' bread, and delicious fresh soft cheese with lavender infusion.

I've been documenting with lots of pics over on instagram: https://instagram.com/sihayadesigns/

Work-wise, I sold through a half dozen of crescent moon earrings in two hours, and am finishing up a few commissions before I begin the next wholesale set for Faerie Magazine. I'm going to do a mini-collection of Elizabeth I & Anne Boleyn pieces next week.

This morning, I also finished the five scent blends for the next run of candle tins. I want my scents to be exclusive to me, so they're not just "pour ready-made scent into wax" dealies. I hand-blended them all myself. They are:

Amas - Sweet lemon and rose cream. A light, refreshing scent that invites love.

Angelica - Oranges and sandalwood musk. Narcotically hypnotizing, you'll fall under her spell.

Avalon - Egyptian musk, dragon's blood, and ripe apples. A bright, airy scent like the eternal mists of the sacred isle.

Invocation - Two ambers, copal, dragon's blood, oakmoss, and a hint of myrrh. A slightly sweet, resinous blend of sacred incenses.

Sidhe Draoi - Moss, fresh soil, green leaves, cedar, and a touch of amber. A fittingly fresh and woodsy scent to honor dryads, forest spirits who are sometimes called "fairy Druids."

Amas and Angelica are recreations of the blends I issued in 2012. Invocation is an updated version of a similar scent. Avalon and Sidhe Draoi are both new. The wax pouring for those begins tomorrow!

-- Oh, daylight savings. How you completely eff me up. No kidding, I have gone to sleep at 9 or 10 twice this week. Me, the nightowl, who will happily work until 2am. Something about it getting dark so early just makes me want to eat dinner and sleep.

-- As far as Nox goes, with the appetite stimulant, he has been eating, but will only touch dry food. This is fine for now, but in the long run, I want to get him back on wet food. Boy cats and a diet of only dry don't mesh very well. Two vets have given us the diagnosis of "huh" as far as he is concerned, after 2 blood tests, 2 ultrasounds, and an x-ray. So it's treating the symptoms and seeing how he does there. My main goal is getting him in the habit of eating again, re-training his brain to see food as good stuff.

-- Olive hates that Nox has been getting so much attention and has been extra bossy and extra clingy. We bought some Feliway to help him relax, and it had the complete opposite reaction on her for a few days. She became a surly, hissing demon at everyone in the household. I am reminded of what the Pax did to a small portion of the population...

-- To console me on a particularly rough night, tamnonlinear brought over a terribad 1960's filmed version of the Ballad of Tam Lin, starring Ava Gardner and Ian McShane (as a young stud who had not yet grown into his teeth). It was... innnnnnnnnnnteresting. Better with herbal enhancement.

-- Anxiety sucks. There's just no other way to put it. This time of year is hard for me without any kind of triggers, but add in a major illness for one of my furkids, and it meant periodic crying jags to the point where I actually ran out of tears and started dry-crying. It's exhausting. Hence the herbal enhancement.

-- Work is... okay, I suppose. I delivered a 72 pc wholesale order to a well-known resort this week, and the gift shop manager is thrilled. I'm hoping that maybe that opens some doors. Wholesale may not be quite as lucrative as retail, but it's guaranteed money, which is excellent in the slow months. I'm also keeping my eye on a few vending days for the holiday season. Which-- I'm already way, way late getting started on holiday things. But I'm just not feeling it this year. Maybe it's the Christmas creep that started in fucking September, but I have very little inspiration. I'll be repeating some of my traditional pieces and bestsellers, but for other things, my motivation's a little shot. The remainder of this week is about finishing custom work up, and then I want to scrabble a small holiday update together by the first week of December. Which is late, but, I can't help it. I had an incredibly busy Autumn season, both professionally and personally. Maybe I just need to experiment.

-- I really have to do a Disney post.

-- My sister had her baby shower. And her husband got out of prison just in time to come, isn't that nice? God bless my family. We all smiled tightly and got through it with lots of raised eyebrows and euphemisms.

-- I did host my other, youngest sister for a sleepover last week. She's doing great. Doing college, about to start the process to become an EMT. So it balances, I guess.

-- This icon, by the by, is from a picture twelvepetals shot for her portfolio a few weekends back. I'll be posting some full-sizes soonish. In the meanwhile, you can go like Vasilion Photography on Facebook.

-- I'm volunteering at FaerieCon this weekend. Vending fees were stupidly high, so I opted out, but I still wanted to be involved. I'll be manning the merch table on Friday for a shift, and then helping artists execute their Faerie Academy workshops all afternoon on Saturday. Probably doing the Bad Faeries Ball.

-- My self-care time has been consumed with reading. I read Seanan McGuire-as-Mira Grant's Feed, which I wholeheartedly recommend for those who like thrillers. I am not as happy about the second book in the trilogy, Deadline. ( SPOILERS! ) Anyway, I'll finish up with Blackout for the sake of completeness. I'll leave you with a final word of advice: don't read the alternative ending to Feed unless you want to depress yourself into a black hole. Plus, it's just not as good as the published one.

Faire: Went to faire the day before we left for NC. I was still feeling very ill from the week before, dehydrated and lightheaded and overall just lacking in energy. A benefit of this is that I needed to stop and rest much more than I usually do, so I saw more shows. I took in thatliardiego's 4pm show at the Boar's Head, the Barely Balanced acrobats, Squire on the Wire, the Rogues, Cu Dubh, and bits and pieces of lots of others. One glass of wine was too much for me and made me want to yak. I had to pass over many of the tasty fried stuffs in favor of bland fare like pretzels. While I wanted to be there, I also wanted to be home, in bed, asleep. Also, dancing three songs with Amy & Brooke at the end of the day was a spectacularly bad idea and I should have known better. Ah well, we are very tentatively going to go the Saturday of the last weekend. I would like to, but with NC just past and Gettysburg ahead, finances are tight. We'll see.

Outer Banks:

( The vacation that wasn't. )

The Update: I finally got the Halloween update up in the wee hours of Thursday night/ Friday morning. I was working on a serious sleep deficit. For one, about a quarter of my written copy was destroyed in a file issue. For two, it was a lot of work, and I was going to bed around 4am, only to be awoken at 7:45am by hammering upstairs. (Which is still going on today... the upstairs neighbors with the toddlers moved out. They left us Godiva chocolates to thank us for putting up with toddler noises.) Add to that, I had several rush orders from one of the jewelers I work for. But the update is up, an I am pleased with it. Today will be packing orders and getting them out in a timely manner.

siGHt: Friday night (after having gotten three hours of sleep the night before and working an extra shift at Terra Firma), I powered through and went with Jason to see siGHt, Deviated Theatre's 50 minute ghost story "dance opera." To be honest, I didn't know what to expect. They started off with three "rising artist" pre-show openers. A gorgeous silks aerialist whose muscles had muscles doing a dramatic narrative piece, a younger group of girls doing modern dance to "Sail," and a phenomenal group of child tap dancers.

As for siGHt, it was absolutely breathtaking. There's not a lot I can say without spoiling it other than it was creepy, sad, beautiful, and cathartic. The spirits were so unbelievably spooky-- somewhat influenced by Asian ghosts, I thought-- long hair covering the face, ethereal white nightgowns-- and the way they moved, grasping desperately and jerkily, combined with their frenzied whispering and breathwork was a skin-crawling effect. But the dancing was so synchronized and well-executed that it was beautiful, too. There was also an absolutely wonderful child dancer who was on stage for almost the entire 50 minutes. As for the other two characters, I can't particularly say much without giving it away, but they were wonderful, too. If the show ever runs again (this was its second run), I would love to see it again.

Hocus Pocus: Yesterday, I hosted a few friends for an annual viewing of Hocus Pocus. J & I went out and got lots of fun seasonal touches from Target and Pier One, plus new curtains and a rug, while we were at it. The apartment now feels super cozy. We ended up watching Hocus Pocus, The Woman In Black, and then The Decoy Bride, a charming Kelly MacDonald / David Tennant romcom, to wash out the spooky. It was good to see friendly faces and overdose on gourmet cheese and snacks.

I also used up my one-day store of Martha Stewartness and made cupcakes:



( More pics, including my Autumn altar. )

Kittens: Olive has been an angel since we've been back from NC. She was ALL OVER Anna & Amy yesterday at the party. Mim ate way too much kibble and is now on a diet. Nox is worrying us a bit because he just hasn't really been interested in eating. Rather, he eats pickily and is constantly looking over his shoulder while he does. He's had to be coaxed the last few mealtimes, and Jason spent this morning hand-feeding him chicken. He's not running a fever, no vomiting, no litterbox issues. He seems a little bit more sleepy than usual, but not worryingly so. We're gonna keep an eye on him, and if he continues not to have much of an appetite, it's to the vet with him.


As for me, I want to sleep more today. I have 2 more pearl stringing assignments to complete, and a bajillion orders to pack. But I think I need a nap first.

1. Jason's tattoo is complete, and it is awesome. Print by Hokusai. Ink by Liaa Walter of Britishink DC.



( One more. )

2. Battling a gross summer cold. Had to work in the shop for the last few days. Drained. Want to swan on my couch and be sniffly and whiny, but alas, I have other work to do.

3. Also battling the third ant infestation of the year, this one coming through the wall in the kitchen. Have dosed places that the cats cannot reach with capsules of sugar and Borax. Die little assholes, die.

4. The cats continue to be adorable. ( Photographic and videographic evidence under the cut. )

5. The studio continues to get decorated. ( Pic. ) Curtains have been ordered. Pretty purple sari fabric curtains with gold edging.

6. To do list: tomorrow, ship all orders from the update. By Saturday: ship wholesale order up to Canada.

7. Also: keep working on social justice primer.

8. Brother is okay. Stitches came out. Three dudes have been spotted numerous times on the street. Police still refuse to do anything about it, other than "beef up patrol in the area," which has not actually happened. They stole all of my mother's lawn lights and are displaying them on their lawn. The police are doing nothing. Next up? My parents are installing a built-in lamppost with a hidden security camera. I want to fucking kill those guys.

9. God, I want to sleep right now.

First Christmas as a married lady! Jason and I were awoken by kitties for their usual 7:30 breakfast. Yes, they can tell time, and yes, they knock. Jason got up to feed them (a Christmas miracle!) then told me to come out to the living room because Santa came. Cheeseball! But sure enough, there were deer tracks in the snow right up to our back door. We exchanged presents, and as a bonus "Santa" hung up surprise stockings for us, filled with chocolate and booze. Woot! Jason loved his Alan Lee illustrated edition of The Hobbit, various manly luxury things, and the new Call of Duty. My haul was thigh-high mohair socks (warm!), two Pagan books, a zombie story anthology, and the Kat Von D 'True Love' palette. Though I joked 'great! Now I, too, can look like I've had a paralyzing stroke!' it's actually a pretty great palette. I love that the gold is a creme shadow.

The kitties loved their new kitty bed add-on to their fort, and they've been playing happily with their new catnip toys and blinky ball thing.

After that, I napped and J nerded out with his video games until we went up to his dad's place for Christmas dinner. Then Jason fell asleep while I watched endless episodes of American Ninja Warrior, pinned by his weight and unable to change the channel.

Saturday was sleeping in, then going into the city to spend time with my dad, brother Daniel, and to pick up my sister, Melissa, who spent the night with us. We watched The Dark Crystal and had some yummy hot cocoa I got as a gift, paired with the chocolate chip cookies I baked on Christmas eve.

Today was a bunch of errands, then heading to Glen Burnie for Christmas with my mom's side of the family, as well as a cousin's 30th birthday. We were adored by a whole bunch of anklebiters. I swear, my baby cousin Gracie thinks I'm the best thing ever. She's four years old and was all "Christina! Christina! Remember when you came down the ocean and we played Candyland? That was awesome." Awesome, and over a year and a half ago. The kid has a good memory.

After swearing we weren't exchanging presents this year, my mom gave us a bunch of stonewear oven dishes and two awesome crochet blankets she made. We are now supa warm.

It was a nice little Christmas. Tonight, I aim to drink a lot of water and spend the night cuddled up. We've ordered cookbooks (Jacques Pepin FTW) and all is well with the world.

Oh! And we got an email from Megan at Offbeat Bride. She's running our feature this week! After they picked up the flickr pics right after the wedding, they asked us to submit a questionnaire. I just figured that they forgot and being featured once was pretty cool. But now we're being featured again. I'll link to it when it's live!

One of the questions in that last post got me to thinking. It was about whether or not I'd have kids. Upon thinking about it further, I decided probably yes because it's one way for me to create a family unit, something I've always sort of lacked. I mean, blood relations I have plenty of. But I've never been particularly close to any of them. Until very recently, if one of my aunts or siblings called me on the phone, my first instinct was to wonder what was wrong. They're not bad people, we just have so little in common that conversations seem strained and perfunctory. I have a lot of more personal reasons why some members of my family and I are not as close as we could be. At any rate, I have always dated people with very strong bonds to their family, and it has always left me with a sort of longing.

And I kept thinking about that, and how that longing has been present in me for a very long time-- since early childhood, at least. Growing up as the only child of two people who separated before I was born, and in two households in which I was only ever half... well, it created a sense of rootlessness. Every time I packed my suitcase to go to the other parent's house, it was a reminder to both me and my families that I was different. And that I was a reminder of a past best either ignored or scorned. So, yeah, I think I've always been in search of a sense of belonging. Of being a 100% member of something, not just a sometimes member.

Even with friends, this is perpetuated... though it's not at all a sense of "poor Christina, she has no friends." On the contrary, I have lots of friends. I'm a very social person. But forming my own "friend family" has been hard for me because in all of the social circles I've been a part of, I've felt a little like I was on the peripheral. In high school, in my department (vocal music), I was neither a Music Theater Princess or a soulful gospel singer. I didn't fit in either clique. I hung out with the instrumentalists, sometimes the visual artists. I made three lifelong friends there-- pawsfurme, deliriouscat, and 17flyingfish, but as far as groups go, I wasn't really invited to join in any reindeer games that I'd hear about on Monday morning. I just wasn't that close to many other people.

And that's sort of been a pattern for me in life. In college, I picked up a few more friends for life. I always had the perception that they were closer to each other than to me, even though our individual relationships are great. And part of that is totally on me; I'll get into that. Again, I had friends, but that unit-like bonding thing... I was a sort of auxiliary member. It's that way with Faire-- I have a lot of Faire friends, but I'm still sort of a newb as far as hardcore Rennies go, and while I have great friends there, I'm not one of the tribe. Ditto dancing.

I think part of this perception comes from the fact that those who fall into my "friends for life" category are all from different social circles, different points in my life. They don't function like a family, all inter-connected, though they are all individually heart-related to me. And part of it comes from the fact that I fell out of touch a lot as my life and schedule got hectic. I found myself saying "sorry, I can't-- I'll be out of town / at a gig / at work / whatever" way too much. Always flitting from flower to flower and never staying long enough to put down real deep roots. I have probably seemed flighty as hell: unfocused, always consumed with the newest shiny thing or my ever-packed schedule-- because they didn't really get the chance to see the dedication and thought beneath that exterior of excitement and enthusiasm. That sort of thing takes time to show. For all I know, from someone else's perspective, it might have looked like I didn't want in, which couldn't be further from the truth. But I understand how that perception could have formed better now than I did before.

Anyhow, part of this is my own shadow: it's sort of ingrained in me that if I don't fit in my own blood family, how could anyone else accept me into their family, their unit, their home? I know, intellectually, that that's BS and I have a lot to offer, but it's still kind of a lie I tell myself that I have to periodically unravel. It's gotten me into trouble, too-- lingering too long in places I knew were unhealthy for me just because I had a place. Because having my place taken from me was devastating and would recall uncomfortable childhood stuff in an all too stark way. I'm trying to get over that. And I'm doing okay with it. I also have never wanted to look too desperate to be a part of something. Desperation is a turnoff. That's its own can of worms.

This all probably has a lot to do with why I've put so much energy into this journal. It's like my internet living room, and y'all are invited in. It's the gathering place and cross section of those social groups, and it's the closest thing I have to a family unit, outside of J and those few cherished lifelong friends. It's safe turf.

So, I know, as usual, I am stupid busy for the next few months. It's probably safe to say that my plate is full through the end of the year. But I do have a partner who is mine now, who chose me for his family, and we have two little furchildren that really have cemented the beginning of our life as a new family unit. Bio children, adopted children... in a few years, that will all fall into place. But until then, I am going to work on putting down roots. Becoming a real part of a family of friends. Putting energy into the people I love who deserve more of it from me. Putting out the kind of energy I would like to receive. Asking to be adopted or re-adopted. Finding my tribe. It probably will be its own process with ups and downs and lots of navel gazing, but it's important. It's what my soul wants, what my soul needs.

I spent last night at Jason's with yummy mulled wine. And cheese! Smoked hickory gouda, gouda with walnuts, Italian truffle cheese, and white stilton with cranberries. Mmmmmm. We wrapped presents, and I fell asleep way earlier than I'd have liked. But I was warm and happy and loved, so that counts for something.

This morning, we got up to unwrap presents with his family... we got each other cashmere socks (my toes are very happy right now), and he made/got me perhaps the most romantically nerdy thing I have ever seen. A framed illustration of Link from The Legend of Zelda, in 8-bit animation style. Above him are four hearts and the heading: "You Fill Up My Hearts." It's to hang in our apartment when we get it. He also got me Vosges chocolate truffles (!) and there's apparently another gift on the way still but there was a postal muck-up. I got him a bike tee from Vital, World War Z by Max Brooks, and season 1 of BSG. Geek love, let me show you it.

We had dinner with his parents before heading over to see my family-- my mom, stepdad, brother, and cousins who each have two little ones apiece. Seeing Jason play with the youngest of the brood? Omg, Jesus. Ovaries. God. I think that would be my biological clock screaming, especially when my cousin Jamie nudged me about the total cute overload. I think I may need Jason to periodically grab me by the face and say, "30, Christina. 30!" Because yeah. 30. So not ready yet, and I know that, but my biological imperative disagrees with me. Triumph of the night-- getting Max, the one year old, to correctly(ish) say my name. He even pointed at me when I got up and said, "Tistina come back!" It was adorable. And I got called 'Aunt Christina' by one of the really little second cousins.

Also, my parents are now talking about roadtripping out to Albuquerque to visit J & I while we're out there. I know I haven't talked about it much because it's not officially signed off on yet, but J will be co-heading a big project out there, which will require a 3-4 month relocation. If everything goes according to plan (and in this economy, it may not), I could be out in Abq as early as February. So. Changes afoot!

Anyhow, I'm back home now and there's a biiiiig package from zenmaster and one from belladonnastrap plus some cards to open. I think I will do it in the morning, as I am very very tired and in need of snuggling up on my boyfriend. With tea.

Hope you all had a great holiday. :)

Alrighty. I am officially done playing nice with Catholic Aunt Linda and her five-daily evangelical emails.

This was today's:

( Cut for one of the worst emails I have ever gotten. )

Okay, first of all-- WHAT THE FUCK. What a fearmongering, hateful piece of work. Basically, be a Christian or you'll die a horribly painful, untimely death. 'Cause y'know, that never happens to Christians. If this is the nature of your God-- if he's vengeful, angry and painfully insecure-- you can keep him. I'm fine over here. Ready my fucking casket.

Second of all-- way to send this to your niece whom you know to not be Christian. How fucking disrespectful. I mean, I put up with the five mushy glurge emails a day and a constant stream of 'praying for you' reminders. Whatever. But this? This is actively malicious in tone. FUCK. THAT. Also? Do I send you several Pagan emails a day? No.

So much I have to say to her but I don't currently have words that don't begin in "f" and end in "k."

Note: this is not a slam on Christians. This is a slam on the tactless, disrespectful, mean-spirited fear tactics that some evangelicals employ. This is not the Christianity I was taught when I was young and she ought to know better.

-- Mmmm, toothpaste-y medicated gauze. I go back in on Monday to get it removed. The dentist said I wasn't healing up as quickly as he'd like, but I look way better than the last time I was in. At any rate, they're going to have to keep replacing the gauze every few days until I manage to form a clot to cover the bone socket. So, we'll see. I get mildly uncomfortable at the 5-hours-past-Percocet mark, but aside from that, today has been okay.

-- Can the election just happen already? I am totally losing sleep over it. I'm in knots. Gah.

-- Verve news: my lovely partner marinatempest and I are going to be doing a slightly irreverent improv set at this Sunday's All Seasons Hafla. Cafe Spice in Towson, MD, 4pm. $22 includes an Indian buffet and show. I might smile kinda funny. That's worth the price of admission alone!

-- Speaking of the show, I decided to be a better big sister, and Melissa is coming to stay this weekend for the performance. We're gonna eat pizza and watch fantasy movies. I am going to try to make this a monthly occurrence, 'cause I've kind of sucked as a sibling lately.

-- This means I have to briefly make nice with the ex-stepmom. Grah.

-- Okay, off to work. I've got at least two things to complete tonight before bedtime. Ciao!

Today, rain forced us to dance indoors. I am extremely grateful that Flissy and I have been honing our improv skillz-- not only was our entire set improv, but we had to improv to a 360 degree audience instead of having the audience face us. This was totally new to me! A good challenge, though... not only did the leader have to distinctly pick a new "front" from time to time, but the follower had to then recognize that cue, and position herself accordingly. Since we're not a threesome +, we don't tend to do a whole lot of circle-oriented moves that work well in this sort of crowd setup. But! The set went well, and there were many smiles, and Flissy and I are a good team. Plus, you so should have seen her tribal 60's hair. It was a thing o'beauty. And I got to see Kallisti do some swordwork, and Makeda Maysa is totally freakin' shimmylicious. Good stuff.

Went out to dinner with my dad and my two sibs. My gosh, my baby brother has a myspace. My little sis, Melissa, is like, totally into the bellydance thing after watching vids with me, and so she's going to come along with me to some area events soon.

Am now collapsed on the couch, where I will likely fall asleep tonight. It's so comfy! But I have a roaring headache, so I'm going to pop some ibuprofen and read some smut fic until my pitifully-early bedtime. Tomorrow: nice long bath, laundry, hanging out with Julie.