The state of the Christina
Mar. 7th, 2005 12:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sihayadesignsI am alive and well. There are so many things running through my mind.
First of all, Mike and I had a long but productive conversation this weekend. We're going to cool it, maybe do dinner a movie or see each other every few weeks or so. It's going to depend a lot on scheduling. My theory is that if we spend time apart, we won't fight when we do see one another, and we might remember just why we started spending time together in the first place. Considering how intrinsic we've been to each others' lives for at least three of the last four years, not seeing each other ever again would be far too dramatic and silly. At any rate, it's time for us to take divergent paths. If they reconverge in the future, well-- then they will. But right now, our path is not the same one. We were able to talk about this with no anger or recrimination, and that was so refreshing. I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
We discussed seeing other people. I explained the type of person that I would like to see if infact I do see someone-- I am not out to get into another commitment-heavy relationship right now. I need to breathe. I want to have beautiful experiences. Conversely, the number one reason I would turn a potential date down is if I suspected that he or she only wanted to get into my pants. I certainly don't want something so empty.
Right now, if I do start dating, I will choose someone who I can go on fun dates with-- seeing cherry blossoms or visiting museums or riding roller coasters or or scouring markets for stargazer lilies or sharing brownies à la mode at an outdoor café on a sunny day. Someone who can make me smile or engage me in conversation. That is primarily what I want right now-- someone to spend time with, to share in all the beautiful experiences I want to have. A companion.
Condition number three is that if I ask someone out or accept an invitation, he or she will also have to have some understanding that Michael and I are still in touch and that he means quite a lot to me, and that I will be always be there to support him if he needs me to be. They'll have to be okay with that. I'm not looking for someone to fill his void. No one can, and that's fine. I'm okay with it being a void.
And you know what? I am okay. I'm doing fine. I am actually very optimistic. This will all work out.
Also, now that the show is over, I have so many things to fill my time. I have letters to write with the new fountain pen I purchased. Hell, I have a whole novel to write. I have flowers to smell. I have Spring to marvel at. I have a hell of a lot of LJ comments to catch up on.
My friends are the best. I have redheads that give hugs and drag me to fun restaurants, Annabeans that bring espresso brownies, guys that teach me to dance, Bridgettas that dole out massages, online friends that send thoughtful letters and support. I am a lucky, lucky girl. It will all be okay.
Now, if I could only make and execute a more fun layout. I'm thinking pink. Also, recommendations on happy music are greatly appreciated.
First of all, Mike and I had a long but productive conversation this weekend. We're going to cool it, maybe do dinner a movie or see each other every few weeks or so. It's going to depend a lot on scheduling. My theory is that if we spend time apart, we won't fight when we do see one another, and we might remember just why we started spending time together in the first place. Considering how intrinsic we've been to each others' lives for at least three of the last four years, not seeing each other ever again would be far too dramatic and silly. At any rate, it's time for us to take divergent paths. If they reconverge in the future, well-- then they will. But right now, our path is not the same one. We were able to talk about this with no anger or recrimination, and that was so refreshing. I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
We discussed seeing other people. I explained the type of person that I would like to see if infact I do see someone-- I am not out to get into another commitment-heavy relationship right now. I need to breathe. I want to have beautiful experiences. Conversely, the number one reason I would turn a potential date down is if I suspected that he or she only wanted to get into my pants. I certainly don't want something so empty.
Right now, if I do start dating, I will choose someone who I can go on fun dates with-- seeing cherry blossoms or visiting museums or riding roller coasters or or scouring markets for stargazer lilies or sharing brownies à la mode at an outdoor café on a sunny day. Someone who can make me smile or engage me in conversation. That is primarily what I want right now-- someone to spend time with, to share in all the beautiful experiences I want to have. A companion.
Condition number three is that if I ask someone out or accept an invitation, he or she will also have to have some understanding that Michael and I are still in touch and that he means quite a lot to me, and that I will be always be there to support him if he needs me to be. They'll have to be okay with that. I'm not looking for someone to fill his void. No one can, and that's fine. I'm okay with it being a void.
And you know what? I am okay. I'm doing fine. I am actually very optimistic. This will all work out.
Also, now that the show is over, I have so many things to fill my time. I have letters to write with the new fountain pen I purchased. Hell, I have a whole novel to write. I have flowers to smell. I have Spring to marvel at. I have a hell of a lot of LJ comments to catch up on.
My friends are the best. I have redheads that give hugs and drag me to fun restaurants, Annabeans that bring espresso brownies, guys that teach me to dance, Bridgettas that dole out massages, online friends that send thoughtful letters and support. I am a lucky, lucky girl. It will all be okay.
Now, if I could only make and execute a more fun layout. I'm thinking pink. Also, recommendations on happy music are greatly appreciated.
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no subject
Date: 2005-03-07 06:16 pm (UTC)Chris, this is a major step forward for you, and I think you're on the right path. It's always awkward to endure (and plan) such time-aparts, but if you need the space to grow as a person, you need the space. If you and Mike can stay friends, that's great -- if you two reconnect again on "that" level, even better.
I'm doing that right now with my ex ... we're becoming "friends" again but there are some rules that we agreed to follow when talking or posting in our LJs. It WAS somewhat awkward at first, but we're both doing well on the friend-front.
*hugs* I'm glad this is positive motion for you!
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Date: 2005-03-07 07:01 pm (UTC)if you want something happier, i suggest dead calm by morcheeba. very earthy and very enjoyable.
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Date: 2005-03-07 07:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-07 07:01 pm (UTC)First off, nothing is wrong with wanting a companion. Besides, all those things (especially the espresso beans and flowers part) sounds lovely!
Secondly, I'm glad that you really are okay...You are strong and can get through anything people throw at you....
Third, isn't it great to know that we put up a great show - but now it's time to relax?!
And fourth...where do you find the graphics for your layouts!? They're great!
Take care! :-)
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Date: 2005-03-07 07:07 pm (UTC)Fourthly- I made my layout. :)
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Date: 2005-03-08 01:57 am (UTC)That's awesome!
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Date: 2005-03-08 02:05 am (UTC)That place is neat!
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Date: 2005-03-07 08:21 pm (UTC)oh, and: Right now, if I do start dating, I will choose someone who I can go on fun dates with-- seeing cherry blossoms or visiting museums or riding roller coasters or or scouring markets for stargazer lilies or sharing brownies à la mode at an outdoor café on a sunny day. Someone who can make me smile or engage me in conversation. That is primarily what I want right now-- someone to spend time with, to share in all the beautiful experiences I want to have. A companion.
You were too wordy. Just say "a girl"... ;P
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Date: 2005-03-08 01:00 am (UTC)I have found that with Mike, honesty is the best policy.
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Date: 2005-03-08 01:45 am (UTC)But also, don't tell him of absolute greatness and how wonderful someone else is. It will make continuing the undefined friendlationship difficult.
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Date: 2005-03-08 02:51 am (UTC)You must make clear that there are details that are better left unshared. At least until there is no longer a possibility of you two ever getting back together (if that is the way things end up). If you do get back together, then he doesn't need to know those details. Otherwise, Mike will be forever comparing himself to these other people. Not fun. Likewise, don't let him tell you how great, etc. the people he's seeing is either for the same reasons.
But share all the bad experiences. How horrible they were, etc. That's okay.
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Date: 2005-03-08 03:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-08 03:31 am (UTC):)
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Date: 2005-03-07 08:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-07 09:27 pm (UTC)I can't think of any happy music right off the top of my head, I'll make another comment if i think of anything.
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Date: 2005-03-07 10:15 pm (UTC)I’m glad to read that you’re doing well and that you and Mike are able to remain friends. Good luck finding a companion that enjoys doing the same things you like and will make you smile. Sometimes being happy is better then being in love.
Happy tunes to get you started…I’ve recently enjoyed listing to Save Ferris. Also since you’re a theater person, you can’t go wrong with Me First and the Gimme Gimmes – Are A Drag. Nothing but upbeat covers of showtunes.
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Date: 2005-03-08 05:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-07 10:26 pm (UTC)And if you want yummy bossanova you can burn my new Bebel Gilberto CD, I'd even do it for you in exchange for some fonts...
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Date: 2005-03-07 10:58 pm (UTC)I once had a very girly, pink layout. Of course, you helped because the idea came from one of your icon bases. Very pretty and soft. I had a black and white, glowy image of a girl lying in bed, and then added pink highlights to it...anyway...
As far as happy music, pretty much the whole Garden State Soundtrack has that quiet, confused but in the good way, growing up and feeling fresh sort of sound to it. Hedwig and the Angry Inch music always makes me happy in a totally different, kick ass, "somehow I relate to the boy with the botched sex change, which is weird but fun" sort of way. Bowie's recent stuff has been good. I'm sure I'll think of others later.
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Date: 2005-03-07 11:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-07 11:18 pm (UTC)FinnTroll.
Who can pass up Scandinavian Metal... with accordions!? :D
And I have a great personal fondness for Barrage. It doesn't come much happier than seven or eight fiddlers on stage at once! (Get the World on Stage DVD. I love it.)
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Date: 2005-03-08 01:43 am (UTC)As for happy songs...
RHPS! :>
and Savage Garden's "Lemon Tree" (very dippy, always gives me the giggles) :)
See you this Friday. :)
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Date: 2005-03-08 03:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-08 05:48 pm (UTC)