On the period as the traveling salesman of cockblocking, by Tex Morgan, age 28.

[sihayadesigns]

In honor of my uterus having read me the riot act, I present to you:

Texmorgan:

I like to think of a period as a traveling salesman of cockblocking. It makes sense though. When women get together, all their periods sync up because the salesman wants to loop them all into the sale. The period is a lazy and cranky salesman. Sometimes he like the house a lot and stays a little longer, other times he doesn't like it so much and just wrecks everything then leaves quickly. And, of course, birth control is like a security system; it lets you see on the security camera screen when he's coming so you can plan to have the house all tidy and decide when you want to let him in or not.

Me: ...most of the time

Texmorgan: Then of course there is the tampon prayer.

Me: This I have got to hear.

Texmorgan: When Mr. Period comes to visit, every lady looks at her box of tampons for the Regulars which she always go through first. She then is faced with the tough decision of if it's going to be a Light day or Super day--there is nothing super about Super days, they should be called HOLY FUCK PLEASE STOP days--so she gets down on her knees and prays, "Please (insert thing of worship), let it be a light day." She pops in the Light day and goes about her business.

About two to three hours into work, she has to go to the bathroom and stands up; this is when she realizes: it's a Super day.

So now she's on a mad dash for the bathroom which inevitably is when she'll run into the coworker that talks to her tits and not her face. She just wants to scream, "I'm bleeding out of my vagina like FUCKING CRAZY can I just go to the bathroom?! Oh, and these--" she grabs her breasts, "...half the population has them; get over it!" But instead she talks to him for a small bit, a bit longer than she ever wants and finally ducks out of the conversation and into the bathroom because he's been following her the whole time.

Then she's faced with yet another problem: does she use the other Light tampon she brought with her to work or that fucking horribly uncomfortable despenser one. Let's face it, management doesn't know shit about lady business area hygiene. This of course is different if you have a woman in charge of such things but even then you have to deal with her personal preference of tampon which is 1) kind of forcing her preference on you, 2) far more than you wanted to know about her, and 3) not everyone likes the fucking scented ones or can even stand them.

Eventually the lady goes with the other Light day because she really thinks she can make it to the end of the day and will do anything to avoid the crappy cardboard applicator one. She ends up being wrong and by the end of the day has to use the crappy one she never wanted in the first place. This makes her uncomfortable in her ladybusiness area but she gets cranky because she's not buying the salesman's pitch to just get pregnant and not have to deal with Mr. Period for 9 months. Even if she does get pregnant, after she's done with it, he's going to keep coming by and annoying her every month until she turns 40 or around that age. At which point, Mr. Period sends in his thugs Hormones. So any time before that point Mr. Period keeps threatening to send the Hormones if she doesn't get pregnant and buy his sale. And even if she does buy it and she gets pregnant before 40, he sends the Hormones anyway, because he's a salesman and he really doesn't care.

And THAT is why I'm nice to women on their period.

Me: I adore you.
AND GUYS, HE MADE ME OLD BAY COOKIES.

In related news: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Uh, to the whole uterus thing, not the cookies. Which were... interesting. Kinda like weird ginger.
In non-related news: Lost blew my mind last night, yo. Plus, 8 hours of sleep for the win!

Comments

[findingjuliet.livejournal.com]

um, he's a keeper.

that's like crazy scary good -- he must have sisters or something...

[sihaya09.livejournal.com]

He's lived with women all his life.

[tamnonlinear.livejournal.com]

Plenty of people who have still don't like them or treat them well.

The determinant is not the nature of his experiences, but the nature of the person and how he has learned from the experiences.

So yes, he's good folks.

[literarygirl.livejournal.com]

LOL! That's hilarious. The most Brian can ever say about the subject is "Ew, that's gross!" But you can bet he's glad it happens every month, like clockwork! :-D

Hrm, Old Bay cookies? I might have to tuck that away for one of my let's-experiment-recipes. They sound odd, but most things that do sound odd tend to work out better than expected.

A guy who can cook/bake is sexy!

[sihaya09.livejournal.com]

A guy who can cook/bake is sexy!

SRSLY. And I have stories.

[an-caomhnoir.livejournal.com]

If I weren't at work, I would be laughing so hard I would stop breathing.

Y'know, I have to say that the worst I have ever dealt with in terms of period-related anger has been, "Shut up and hold me."

Guys (as in you male folk), it's a part of life, it's nothing to be afraid of. Just be supportive and don't hoard the chocolate. ;)

[madmoisellestar.livejournal.com]

He now gets the Aster stamp of approval. (And I know how desperately everyone cares about that.)

And you now get a kick in the behind to introduce me to him, already, dammit.

[sihaya09.livejournal.com]

Next time he's down, I will! As it is, I'll be in NYC very soon. :)

[aggiebell.livejournal.com]

Or, artificial hormone induced amenorrhea is a wonderful thing.

[lapetiteflower.livejournal.com]

omfg that is beyond great. i so needed some humor today, lol!

[smithing-chick.livejournal.com]

That's *hilarious*!!!! (also disturbingly accurate)

tmi

[liminalia.livejournal.com]

What is this cockblocking of which he speaks? Period sex is great, imo--barebacking without fear of pregnancy.

Re: tmi

[brapolitics.livejournal.com]

Erm, you can still get pregnant on your period if you have sex without protection.

Re: tmi

[liminalia.livejournal.com]

Not very likely. Ovulation occurs, on average 10-11 days after first day of menstruation. Sperm can live in the reproductive tract up to 7 days. If you know your body is regular, like I do, (I can always tell when I'm ovulating) no worries. I've been having sex on my period for 20 years with never an oops.

Re: tmi

[sihaya09.livejournal.com]

And granted, while that might work for your body, it doesn't work for all bodies and oopses do occur. I never know when I'm ovulating, and I definitely have irregular months. So it would be really hard for me to tell.

[texmorgan.livejournal.com]

:)

I'm glad so many people found this entertaining, it was one of the few things I did that was productive yesterday.

Also, I'm glad you liked the cookies. I'm interested to hear on how you would alter the recipe from a flavor standpoint.

[writteninblue.livejournal.com]

That's fantastic. Hee, ladybusiness area.

This is possibly the second best thing a guy has ever said about tampons, the first being my dad asking me if I wanted tampons with wings or without when I asked him to pick some up for me at the store back when I was in high school. Of course, this shows a lot more knowledge and insight about female hygiene products and women in general.

I must be an anomaly because I always go through the Supers first. I actually only buy Supers and then Regulars for the end of the cycle.

[raspberrypie.livejournal.com]

he is awesome. i am so amused by the whole thing... what was the base for the old bay cookie? as in, what was it put into? sounds intriguing.