Operation: Best Version of Me.
Feb. 8th, 2008 03:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sihayadesignsAs I was walking home yesterday, I had one of those odd little breakthrough moments: I'm happy. Really happy. Not fake-happy, not fake-it-'til-ya-make-it happy. I'm genuinely happy with where I am in life right now. And it's not rose-colored glasses. Things aren't perfect, but there's no drama and lots of growth going on. Considering where I was five months ago, it kind of shocked me a little.
In true navel-gazey fashion, I started thinking about what brought on this change and my mind kept wandering back to my annual birthday tarot reading. I'd gotten it about a week after my breakup, and I was still verging on tears every ten minutes or so at that point. And one thing she said rang really true: if you're going to be happy, you need to do your homework. And for the past few months, that's exactly what I've done. I got a counselor, I cut negative and untrustworthy folk out of my life, and I poured my time into things I was passionate about. I did it all with deliberate intention. And the result is that I now feel more centered and fulfilled than I can remember ever feeling.
Part of it was really looking at the reality of my relationship(s) with Skyler. I had a person who repeatedly told me that I should trust everything he said, and that he said what he meant. And yet the reality of his everyday actions were not in accord with those words. I felt guilty for not trusting him, especially in relation to his actions with other girls, because he'd labeled my distrust insecurity and jealousy. In reality... well, it was just intuition. I knew something was going on deep in my gut, and in the end, I turned out to be right. So I looked at that and let myself off the hook for doing a natural thing: not trusting an untrustworthy person. Yeah, there were a lot of good things that second time around... but they lasted about two months before things slid into being exactly the way they were before, and the way they were before was unhealthy. And I was unhealthy for thinking that that sort of relationship was what I wanted.
Not having a partner that I distrust has removed an incredible stressor from my life and in the end turned out to be a sort of gift. But enough about him, 'cause seriously, not even relevant anymore, you know? Point being: it was my reaction to the breakup that really kicked my ass into getting some counseling and sorting things out, and it's been really good for helping me examine why it is that I chose someone like that and why stayed with him and how not to do it again. I know that my current and future relationships will benefit one thousandfold from what I've learned so far.
The rest has been learning to balance my time in a way that allows me to spend enough time both with my friends and with my internal creative processes. There's a sort of metaphysical theory that posits that once your life comes into alignment, you ready yourself for real joy. That in order to attract goodness into your life, you have to both invite it and act in accord. And so a lot of the past few months have been about readying myself to be a vessel to contain that joy. It's neat to see some of it start to trickle in-- new, healthy relationships with people I respect and admire (and who have the respect and admiration of my other friends), and my business is starting to really take off. I made a humbling amount of money yesterday. It's a good feeling.
There's still room for improvement, hence Operation: Best Version of Me. There are things that I need to continue working on, like procrastination and follow-through. And it's coming along nicely, but it's a continual process, and if I stop moving forward, I know I'll regress back. My theory is that if I'm working actively towards becoming the best version of myself that I can be, I attract people who will bring joy into my life. I look at my core group of friends and see that it's already working. I'm genuinely proud of them as people, and they do bring me a lot of happiness, plus the security of knowing that they're my friends for the right reasons: because we support each other, because we're honest with each other, because we are compassionate to each other.
Anyway, I got pretty rambly there, but overall I just wanted to document my little happy moment on a relatively quiet walk home.
On the design front, yesterday was a banner day. I kind of went to bed in shock. Pleasant shock, but yeah. Shock. Step one is to pack up all the ready-to-go stuff. Step two is to do commissions-- of which I got four yesterday. Step three is to buy more supplies. I won an auction for more clock parts, 'cause I enjoyed those bits so much. Also, after sitting down and doing my taxes last night (omg, real adulthood!), I've started working on budgeting out bigger expenses. My refund will cover the BR Winter Fire weekend, then I'm going to start ordering precious gems in higher quantity, which works out to a better value overall. That said, I anticipate $70 leaving my paypal account for one strand of beads being kind of panic-inducing. But hey... that's a definite sign of growth. And after all that? The saving begins for my tattoo.
To that end, I've contacted![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
neopolaris, who will be designing it. The idea is going to be about an 8" art nouveau-stylized flowering vine along my right oblique, with a big stargazer lily and some other flowers as well, like maybe morning glories. I want greens and pinks and little touches of purplish-blue. My next update will likely go straight towards paying that off. Having a reminder of blooming potential on my body feels like the right thing.
In true navel-gazey fashion, I started thinking about what brought on this change and my mind kept wandering back to my annual birthday tarot reading. I'd gotten it about a week after my breakup, and I was still verging on tears every ten minutes or so at that point. And one thing she said rang really true: if you're going to be happy, you need to do your homework. And for the past few months, that's exactly what I've done. I got a counselor, I cut negative and untrustworthy folk out of my life, and I poured my time into things I was passionate about. I did it all with deliberate intention. And the result is that I now feel more centered and fulfilled than I can remember ever feeling.
Part of it was really looking at the reality of my relationship(s) with Skyler. I had a person who repeatedly told me that I should trust everything he said, and that he said what he meant. And yet the reality of his everyday actions were not in accord with those words. I felt guilty for not trusting him, especially in relation to his actions with other girls, because he'd labeled my distrust insecurity and jealousy. In reality... well, it was just intuition. I knew something was going on deep in my gut, and in the end, I turned out to be right. So I looked at that and let myself off the hook for doing a natural thing: not trusting an untrustworthy person. Yeah, there were a lot of good things that second time around... but they lasted about two months before things slid into being exactly the way they were before, and the way they were before was unhealthy. And I was unhealthy for thinking that that sort of relationship was what I wanted.
Not having a partner that I distrust has removed an incredible stressor from my life and in the end turned out to be a sort of gift. But enough about him, 'cause seriously, not even relevant anymore, you know? Point being: it was my reaction to the breakup that really kicked my ass into getting some counseling and sorting things out, and it's been really good for helping me examine why it is that I chose someone like that and why stayed with him and how not to do it again. I know that my current and future relationships will benefit one thousandfold from what I've learned so far.
The rest has been learning to balance my time in a way that allows me to spend enough time both with my friends and with my internal creative processes. There's a sort of metaphysical theory that posits that once your life comes into alignment, you ready yourself for real joy. That in order to attract goodness into your life, you have to both invite it and act in accord. And so a lot of the past few months have been about readying myself to be a vessel to contain that joy. It's neat to see some of it start to trickle in-- new, healthy relationships with people I respect and admire (and who have the respect and admiration of my other friends), and my business is starting to really take off. I made a humbling amount of money yesterday. It's a good feeling.
There's still room for improvement, hence Operation: Best Version of Me. There are things that I need to continue working on, like procrastination and follow-through. And it's coming along nicely, but it's a continual process, and if I stop moving forward, I know I'll regress back. My theory is that if I'm working actively towards becoming the best version of myself that I can be, I attract people who will bring joy into my life. I look at my core group of friends and see that it's already working. I'm genuinely proud of them as people, and they do bring me a lot of happiness, plus the security of knowing that they're my friends for the right reasons: because we support each other, because we're honest with each other, because we are compassionate to each other.
Anyway, I got pretty rambly there, but overall I just wanted to document my little happy moment on a relatively quiet walk home.
On the design front, yesterday was a banner day. I kind of went to bed in shock. Pleasant shock, but yeah. Shock. Step one is to pack up all the ready-to-go stuff. Step two is to do commissions-- of which I got four yesterday. Step three is to buy more supplies. I won an auction for more clock parts, 'cause I enjoyed those bits so much. Also, after sitting down and doing my taxes last night (omg, real adulthood!), I've started working on budgeting out bigger expenses. My refund will cover the BR Winter Fire weekend, then I'm going to start ordering precious gems in higher quantity, which works out to a better value overall. That said, I anticipate $70 leaving my paypal account for one strand of beads being kind of panic-inducing. But hey... that's a definite sign of growth. And after all that? The saving begins for my tattoo.
To that end, I've contacted
neopolaris, who will be designing it. The idea is going to be about an 8" art nouveau-stylized flowering vine along my right oblique, with a big stargazer lily and some other flowers as well, like maybe morning glories. I want greens and pinks and little touches of purplish-blue. My next update will likely go straight towards paying that off. Having a reminder of blooming potential on my body feels like the right thing.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-02-08 09:43 pm (UTC)There was this one time that I landed onto some of the most beautiful larimar I have ever seen. When 18 beads and two pendants rang up at just over $250, I nearly passed out. Just make sure you have someone to catch your fall if you ever get to that point. ;)
I'm so glad you're happy. I've seen a huge evolution in you, just from reading your lj posts.
no subject
Date: 2008-02-08 09:45 pm (UTC)about commissions...
Date: 2008-02-08 09:58 pm (UTC)But no hurry!
Re: about commissions...
Date: 2008-02-08 10:01 pm (UTC)Re: about commissions...
Date: 2008-02-08 10:32 pm (UTC)But it would be more of an art piece rather than a jewelry piece. Think you might be up to it? No rush on time...I know how things can be...[I have a couple fo clients on this side of the country with my photography...happily, they are cool with letting me take my time to process the work I've done...so, I understand.]
=)
~Dusty.
Re: about commissions...
Date: 2008-02-08 11:47 pm (UTC)Re: about commissions...
Date: 2008-02-08 11:53 pm (UTC)And I think you said you have 2 of them...?
Thanks, and I'll send you a message sometime this weekend.
~D.
Re: about commissions...
Date: 2008-02-08 11:54 pm (UTC)Re: about commissions...
Date: 2008-02-09 12:11 am (UTC)Thanks!
~D.
no subject
Date: 2008-02-08 10:58 pm (UTC)This sentence just struck a chord in me. I've been thinking about a second tattoo as well, but nothing really concrete has stuck. I know that means I've got some work left to do on myself.
I'm glad to hear that you're focussed on what's right for you, not reacting in order to please someone else. That old saying that life is about the journey, not the destination seems to ring true too. Cliched, but, yeah.
no subject
Date: 2008-02-09 08:58 pm (UTC)