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Jan. 3rd, 2005 12:54 amThree weeks of quiet ahead. I want to:
( To-do list. )
I also want to fix my relationship. That sounds so simple, doesn't it? Things have been scary and uncertain lately, and sometimes I feel like I'm going sinking underwater. Looking up, waiting for the light to break over my head. I was laying in the tub yesterday, desperately trying to not get sick again. I pushed myself down so that only my nose was poking out, the water closed in over my ears and my eyes. So I couldn't hear anything and it was dark. I wanted to feel tiny beads of air rippling along my skin. I expected it to be comforting, soothing maybe, but I just felt disconnected. Cut off. That's how I've been feeling lately.
I don't think it's that I'm unsure of what I want, it's that I don't know if I'll be able to hold onto it. There's a chasm between us, and I don't know how to close it. I can't do it on my own, I can't do it while overthinking and overanalyzing every single tiny minute detail, I can't do it. I'm kind of terrified that I fractured something precious, that I deserve all the anger, the suspicion that's just there beneath the surface. There are glimmers things I remember, things that comfort me, things that are mirror-bright. They slip through my fingers like water because I try to cling to them so hard. Because I want it back, I don't care how many times I'm told that this or that was natural or necessary. I'd give it all back. Every second of it. More things slipping, cutting my fingers, and I cry over the littlest things.
There are things that frighten me, too. Things I can't touch, a wall between me and things that let me sleep easy, safe. I keep telling myself it's not my fault, these things happen, and as much as I hate it, I laid down the first stone. I don't like what's happening, but I guess it's too late. I'm rambling, I know, but these thoughts are so half-formed, shadowy in my mind. I can't tell who's punishing who anymore (even though it's mostly me punishing myself) and I just want to stop with all of this bitterness and start talking again. Honest to god talking, no yelling or sarcasm or guilt-laying. Just talking enough to remember why we started talking in the first place. I almost got there last night. Almost. Talking enough so I can stop being so constantly upset, stop wearing the brave ok face that I can't help but wear. I'm worn down, I'm really a fucking mess. I'd hoped to be mending already, but there's this block in the way, some hurdle that I can't see that I keep running into. God, this hurts so bad.
So. Yep. I'm going to take long baths and be quiet for awhile.
( To-do list. )
I also want to fix my relationship. That sounds so simple, doesn't it? Things have been scary and uncertain lately, and sometimes I feel like I'm going sinking underwater. Looking up, waiting for the light to break over my head. I was laying in the tub yesterday, desperately trying to not get sick again. I pushed myself down so that only my nose was poking out, the water closed in over my ears and my eyes. So I couldn't hear anything and it was dark. I wanted to feel tiny beads of air rippling along my skin. I expected it to be comforting, soothing maybe, but I just felt disconnected. Cut off. That's how I've been feeling lately.
I don't think it's that I'm unsure of what I want, it's that I don't know if I'll be able to hold onto it. There's a chasm between us, and I don't know how to close it. I can't do it on my own, I can't do it while overthinking and overanalyzing every single tiny minute detail, I can't do it. I'm kind of terrified that I fractured something precious, that I deserve all the anger, the suspicion that's just there beneath the surface. There are glimmers things I remember, things that comfort me, things that are mirror-bright. They slip through my fingers like water because I try to cling to them so hard. Because I want it back, I don't care how many times I'm told that this or that was natural or necessary. I'd give it all back. Every second of it. More things slipping, cutting my fingers, and I cry over the littlest things.
There are things that frighten me, too. Things I can't touch, a wall between me and things that let me sleep easy, safe. I keep telling myself it's not my fault, these things happen, and as much as I hate it, I laid down the first stone. I don't like what's happening, but I guess it's too late. I'm rambling, I know, but these thoughts are so half-formed, shadowy in my mind. I can't tell who's punishing who anymore (even though it's mostly me punishing myself) and I just want to stop with all of this bitterness and start talking again. Honest to god talking, no yelling or sarcasm or guilt-laying. Just talking enough to remember why we started talking in the first place. I almost got there last night. Almost. Talking enough so I can stop being so constantly upset, stop wearing the brave ok face that I can't help but wear. I'm worn down, I'm really a fucking mess. I'd hoped to be mending already, but there's this block in the way, some hurdle that I can't see that I keep running into. God, this hurts so bad.
So. Yep. I'm going to take long baths and be quiet for awhile.
