Flooded.

I'll probably be using this journal as a documenting point for a lot of the work I'll be doing on myself in the coming months-- it's easier for me than carrying a paper journal, and I like the way I can edit and refine digital thoughts as they become more clear. Things will be getting kinda heavy for awhile, and if that's not your cuppa, you might want to check back in a few months. Many posts will disallow comments-- solely because such posts are headspace posts for me and don't necessarily require feedback in general. Some will have comments allowed, and that's cool, too-- I understand that people might have similar experiences to talk about, and that's okay to talk about. I'd like to say thanks, though, for everyone who's given me support and kind words. It was needed and is appreciated.

( Headspace. )

Anger, sadness, gratitude.

( Anger, sadness, gratitude. )

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them.
And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

This sorrow I feel is all of my tears. I gave this relationship my whole heart and all of my love. I have no doubt that I'll reap what I sowed, and some day I will find someone who will love me back in kind. The same lesson, again and again. I am made of love. It is who I am. It is my nature to give love, to give comfort. Still I am pruned, and still I grow.

There are months of consistent hard work ahead of me. Not so nebulous now, but becoming clearer by the day. And each step is uphill. Each step is hard. I don't have the luxury of calling distractions 'progress.' I know that each excruciating step is mine alone to take, though I have friends behind me to catch me if my knees start to buckle. I've got what I need-- an open heart, listening ears, a strong will, integrity, and best of all, self-knowledge. Onward.

Whistler: There's moments in your life that make you, that set the course of who you're gonna be. Sometimes they're little, subtle moments. Sometimes, they're not. Bottom line is, even if you see 'em coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really, but it does... So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.
-- Becoming, Part I