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sihayadesignsI'll probably be using this journal as a documenting point for a lot of the work I'll be doing on myself in the coming months-- it's easier for me than carrying a paper journal, and I like the way I can edit and refine digital thoughts as they become more clear. Things will be getting kinda heavy for awhile, and if that's not your cuppa, you might want to check back in a few months. Many posts will disallow comments-- solely because such posts are headspace posts for me and don't necessarily require feedback in general. Some will have comments allowed, and that's cool, too-- I understand that people might have similar experiences to talk about, and that's okay to talk about. I'd like to say thanks, though, for everyone who's given me support and kind words. It was needed and is appreciated.
I've had the opportunity to do some work by having a series of dialogues this weekend with people I trust and respect. I'm working on absolving myself of guilt. Intellectually, I know that nothing I did caused my relationship to end. I was a really good girlfriend. I said 'I love you' every day. I told him that he was my favorite person. I gave hugs and support. I tried to solve problems I saw that arose. I wasn't perfect-- sometimes I got upset, sometimes I emotionally withdrew while processing through things. But I always came back to "I love you, this is my priority, I want to make it work." I know that the reason it ended had zilch to do with me not having a car. That was a convenient on-hand "reason" that fell apart when I stepped to the challenge. I know it had zilch to do with the fact that I have not done a lot of formal ShadowWork for the same reasons. Intellectually, I know all of that. I've been dealing with little niggling demons. Like-- "if I had kissed him that morning at the metro when I was angry, would it have changed anything?" And the answer, I know, is no. I'm just looking for reasons why this might be my fault so I can justify the pain that I feel. This is a part of my Shadow.
I have a deep well of sadness still. I was crafting the life I wanted. I loved coming home to the man I loved. I effectively lost my best friend, live-in boyfriend, and dance partner in one unexpected swoop, and he can't clearly articulate to me why. Even so, through a series of dialogues I've been having with trusted friends and my counselor, it's becoming clear to me what some of the reasons were, and how little they had to do with me at all. I have to say, that's a double-edged sword. On one hand, I can tell myself to cut myself some slack, and that's enough to get me to breathe through some hard spots. On the other, I feel so helpless because as the problems are not mine, I cannot solve them and get what I want.
I also have to forgive myself for the "mistake" of taking him back in March. I've had it pointed out to me that unless I had done so, I never would have known if the work he was doing then would make it possible for us to have a working relationship. And for awhile, it really did. I saw openness, vulnerability, willingness to work and to compromise. I got to experience, albeit briefly, the beautiful potential that I had seen in us all along. It's hard not to want that still, because it was so wonderful and fulfilling. It was a stolen season, in the end, and I have to accept its passing, though it will take time. However, I deserve something moving towards healthy and functional right now, not just that potential. And the bottom line is that when compromise stops happening and clear communication ends, the relationship stops moving towards being healthy. My counselor told me that there are only two points on his relationship spectrum-- healthy and unhealthy. Where the relationship falls between those two points is no matter-- the most important deciding factor is the direction it's heading. In the end, I was tugging in one direction, towards healthy, and it seems that through the gravity of my partner's unwillingness to make a similar commitment, we became static and ultimately went nowhere.
I have gotten clear on one point-- I will not use other people as emotional crutches. It would feel great to go out and get someone else to lean on fluff up my ego and shag and call that distraction emotional progress. It's not. It's the easy way out, and in the end, I'd just be adding to the avalanche of pain that's going to come crashing down at some point. I should know, I've been there, done that. Instead, I'm dealing with the avalanche right now, and some days are better than others. It royally sucks. But better now than later, and better alone than using someone else and dragging him or her into my emotional mess. I'm a really smart chick, and unfortunately, that means I suck at fooling myself.
I've had the opportunity to do some work by having a series of dialogues this weekend with people I trust and respect. I'm working on absolving myself of guilt. Intellectually, I know that nothing I did caused my relationship to end. I was a really good girlfriend. I said 'I love you' every day. I told him that he was my favorite person. I gave hugs and support. I tried to solve problems I saw that arose. I wasn't perfect-- sometimes I got upset, sometimes I emotionally withdrew while processing through things. But I always came back to "I love you, this is my priority, I want to make it work." I know that the reason it ended had zilch to do with me not having a car. That was a convenient on-hand "reason" that fell apart when I stepped to the challenge. I know it had zilch to do with the fact that I have not done a lot of formal ShadowWork for the same reasons. Intellectually, I know all of that. I've been dealing with little niggling demons. Like-- "if I had kissed him that morning at the metro when I was angry, would it have changed anything?" And the answer, I know, is no. I'm just looking for reasons why this might be my fault so I can justify the pain that I feel. This is a part of my Shadow.
I have a deep well of sadness still. I was crafting the life I wanted. I loved coming home to the man I loved. I effectively lost my best friend, live-in boyfriend, and dance partner in one unexpected swoop, and he can't clearly articulate to me why. Even so, through a series of dialogues I've been having with trusted friends and my counselor, it's becoming clear to me what some of the reasons were, and how little they had to do with me at all. I have to say, that's a double-edged sword. On one hand, I can tell myself to cut myself some slack, and that's enough to get me to breathe through some hard spots. On the other, I feel so helpless because as the problems are not mine, I cannot solve them and get what I want.
I also have to forgive myself for the "mistake" of taking him back in March. I've had it pointed out to me that unless I had done so, I never would have known if the work he was doing then would make it possible for us to have a working relationship. And for awhile, it really did. I saw openness, vulnerability, willingness to work and to compromise. I got to experience, albeit briefly, the beautiful potential that I had seen in us all along. It's hard not to want that still, because it was so wonderful and fulfilling. It was a stolen season, in the end, and I have to accept its passing, though it will take time. However, I deserve something moving towards healthy and functional right now, not just that potential. And the bottom line is that when compromise stops happening and clear communication ends, the relationship stops moving towards being healthy. My counselor told me that there are only two points on his relationship spectrum-- healthy and unhealthy. Where the relationship falls between those two points is no matter-- the most important deciding factor is the direction it's heading. In the end, I was tugging in one direction, towards healthy, and it seems that through the gravity of my partner's unwillingness to make a similar commitment, we became static and ultimately went nowhere.
I have gotten clear on one point-- I will not use other people as emotional crutches. It would feel great to go out and get someone else to lean on fluff up my ego and shag and call that distraction emotional progress. It's not. It's the easy way out, and in the end, I'd just be adding to the avalanche of pain that's going to come crashing down at some point. I should know, I've been there, done that. Instead, I'm dealing with the avalanche right now, and some days are better than others. It royally sucks. But better now than later, and better alone than using someone else and dragging him or her into my emotional mess. I'm a really smart chick, and unfortunately, that means I suck at fooling myself.
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no subject
Date: 2007-09-24 03:25 pm (UTC)I don't think anyone reading this would have you any other way. :)
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Date: 2007-09-24 04:06 pm (UTC)If so, that can also be a battery for negative energy, and detrimental to one's well-being if it isn't addressed early on.
- RM.
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Date: 2007-09-24 04:11 pm (UTC)I honestly didn't think any of the conflicts we were seeing were out of the ordinary for a couple moving in together-- ie, figuring out how to balance time. I saw some of his behavior during the week before a little suspect (and some of his behavior with another girl suspect). But I didn't see any major red flags, and he didn't voice any problems that made me see any major red flags-- until that last day. Even then, I tried.
So, I can't chastise myself for seeing it coming sooner, though I perhaps should have been more on guard considering his history. I was simply enjoying my life and living with him, and I just didn't see anything that wasn't obvious.
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Date: 2007-09-24 04:26 pm (UTC)- RM.
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Date: 2007-09-24 05:33 pm (UTC)Bravo!
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Date: 2007-09-25 12:07 am (UTC)Hey
Date: 2007-09-25 10:46 am (UTC)I'm a lurker on your journal, as I usually just have few minutes on the computer, I don't comment very often. But believe me, I feel for your loss of relationship and wish you strenght and happiness. Funny coincident: I was watching "Becoming 1" yesterday and thought of you when I heard Whistler's line, and now I noticed that you've actually used it on your own post!
You are wonderful from eyeballs to entrails and I have a huge cyber crush on you! :)