Dulcissime

One of the questions in that last post got me to thinking. It was about whether or not I'd have kids. Upon thinking about it further, I decided probably yes because it's one way for me to create a family unit, something I've always sort of lacked. I mean, blood relations I have plenty of. But I've never been particularly close to any of them. Until very recently, if one of my aunts or siblings called me on the phone, my first instinct was to wonder what was wrong. They're not bad people, we just have so little in common that conversations seem strained and perfunctory. I have a lot of more personal reasons why some members of my family and I are not as close as we could be. At any rate, I have always dated people with very strong bonds to their family, and it has always left me with a sort of longing.

And I kept thinking about that, and how that longing has been present in me for a very long time-- since early childhood, at least. Growing up as the only child of two people who separated before I was born, and in two households in which I was only ever half... well, it created a sense of rootlessness. Every time I packed my suitcase to go to the other parent's house, it was a reminder to both me and my families that I was different. And that I was a reminder of a past best either ignored or scorned. So, yeah, I think I've always been in search of a sense of belonging. Of being a 100% member of something, not just a sometimes member.

Even with friends, this is perpetuated... though it's not at all a sense of "poor Christina, she has no friends." On the contrary, I have lots of friends. I'm a very social person. But forming my own "friend family" has been hard for me because in all of the social circles I've been a part of, I've felt a little like I was on the peripheral. In high school, in my department (vocal music), I was neither a Music Theater Princess or a soulful gospel singer. I didn't fit in either clique. I hung out with the instrumentalists, sometimes the visual artists. I made three lifelong friends there-- pawsfurme, deliriouscat, and 17flyingfish, but as far as groups go, I wasn't really invited to join in any reindeer games that I'd hear about on Monday morning. I just wasn't that close to many other people.

And that's sort of been a pattern for me in life. In college, I picked up a few more friends for life. I always had the perception that they were closer to each other than to me, even though our individual relationships are great. And part of that is totally on me; I'll get into that. Again, I had friends, but that unit-like bonding thing... I was a sort of auxiliary member. It's that way with Faire-- I have a lot of Faire friends, but I'm still sort of a newb as far as hardcore Rennies go, and while I have great friends there, I'm not one of the tribe. Ditto dancing.

I think part of this perception comes from the fact that those who fall into my "friends for life" category are all from different social circles, different points in my life. They don't function like a family, all inter-connected, though they are all individually heart-related to me. And part of it comes from the fact that I fell out of touch a lot as my life and schedule got hectic. I found myself saying "sorry, I can't-- I'll be out of town / at a gig / at work / whatever" way too much. Always flitting from flower to flower and never staying long enough to put down real deep roots. I have probably seemed flighty as hell: unfocused, always consumed with the newest shiny thing or my ever-packed schedule-- because they didn't really get the chance to see the dedication and thought beneath that exterior of excitement and enthusiasm. That sort of thing takes time to show. For all I know, from someone else's perspective, it might have looked like I didn't want in, which couldn't be further from the truth. But I understand how that perception could have formed better now than I did before.

Anyhow, part of this is my own shadow: it's sort of ingrained in me that if I don't fit in my own blood family, how could anyone else accept me into their family, their unit, their home? I know, intellectually, that that's BS and I have a lot to offer, but it's still kind of a lie I tell myself that I have to periodically unravel. It's gotten me into trouble, too-- lingering too long in places I knew were unhealthy for me just because I had a place. Because having my place taken from me was devastating and would recall uncomfortable childhood stuff in an all too stark way. I'm trying to get over that. And I'm doing okay with it. I also have never wanted to look too desperate to be a part of something. Desperation is a turnoff. That's its own can of worms.

This all probably has a lot to do with why I've put so much energy into this journal. It's like my internet living room, and y'all are invited in. It's the gathering place and cross section of those social groups, and it's the closest thing I have to a family unit, outside of J and those few cherished lifelong friends. It's safe turf.

So, I know, as usual, I am stupid busy for the next few months. It's probably safe to say that my plate is full through the end of the year. But I do have a partner who is mine now, who chose me for his family, and we have two little furchildren that really have cemented the beginning of our life as a new family unit. Bio children, adopted children... in a few years, that will all fall into place. But until then, I am going to work on putting down roots. Becoming a real part of a family of friends. Putting energy into the people I love who deserve more of it from me. Putting out the kind of energy I would like to receive. Asking to be adopted or re-adopted. Finding my tribe. It probably will be its own process with ups and downs and lots of navel gazing, but it's important. It's what my soul wants, what my soul needs.

I'll probably be using this journal as a documenting point for a lot of the work I'll be doing on myself in the coming months-- it's easier for me than carrying a paper journal, and I like the way I can edit and refine digital thoughts as they become more clear. Things will be getting kinda heavy for awhile, and if that's not your cuppa, you might want to check back in a few months. Many posts will disallow comments-- solely because such posts are headspace posts for me and don't necessarily require feedback in general. Some will have comments allowed, and that's cool, too-- I understand that people might have similar experiences to talk about, and that's okay to talk about. I'd like to say thanks, though, for everyone who's given me support and kind words. It was needed and is appreciated.

( Headspace. )

One of the tools I have come across to help me work through my emotions is this-- in a simplified manner, it has been said that humans have five basic emotions:

-- Anger
-- Sadness
-- Happiness
-- Fear
-- Shame

One of the things that helps me resolve my issues the quickest when I'm feeling a complicated emotion or confused about my emotional reactions is asking myself basic questions about what I'm feeling. Happy and sad are simple enough, not often hard to own. It's those pesky other three that carry so much cultural baggage that are often hard to face. Perhaps that's why when I ask myself honest questions about those unpleasant emotions, I find the most answers.

Am I ashamed because I don't feel good enough? This is the #1 question on my list, and usually the culprit of my funky moods. Nobody wants to feel ashamed-- that's why we put up such tough fronts and false pride. Insecurity is often another word for shame, and in my case, it's my Shadow numero uno-- that "I'll never be good enough" thing that rears its head in everything from stage fright to "fat days" to the way I busted my ass in school to petty jealousies to the way I relate to my family. When I'm cranky, if it's not low blood sugar, you can almost always bet it's because I'm feeling insecure about something.

Am I afraid because something or someone reminds me of something that has caused me pain or might cause me pain? I see this often in others, and sometimes in myself. It's one of the hardest things to own to, because we're told that fear equals weakness. But it's only in admitting the fear and owning up to it that I can find a way to deal with it in a constructive, adult way.

Am I angry about something? It's so tempting to quantify-- "I'm a little angry at..." / "I'm a little irritated at..." Bull. Emotions are what they are, and often quantifying them only serves to downplay them for others' sake, and quantifying can hinder in owning an emotion completely. I can say that I am angry about something right now, and now that I've stopped making excuses or feeling like a bad person for feeling angry, I can focus on a way to address and hopefully rectify my anger in a mature way. I'm certainly not going to pat myself on the back and call myself a mature adult while being avoidant and defensive. Fuck that passive hypocrisy. Problems just don't evaporate, and nursing resentment is not going to help my blood pressure or friendships any.

On to step two: problem solving. No concrete thoughts as of yet-- I need some time to let things percolate so I can address the issue with clarity.

The Shadow: The Shadow describes the part of the psyche that an individual would rather not acknowledge. It contains the denied parts of the self, often the result of the way an individual learns to cope with a traumatic experience. Since the self contains these aspects, they surface in one way or another. Bringing Shadow material into consciousness drains its dark power, and can even recover valuable resources from it. The greatest power, however, comes from having accepted your Shadow parts and integrated them as components of your Self.

I've been doing a lot of private and paper journaling, processing through the emotional fallout of my relationship with Skyler, and working out how I feel about the way he's working on himself. It's been very helpful to be able to name and give voice to my feelings. When I understand them, when I understand their roots, I can more easily grasp how to take action and heal. Though I am not undergoing therapy for Shadow Work (though I may take the Women In Power course in September), I have been working on my own personal Shadows, and this is something that requires a great deal self-honesty.

( Read more... )