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sihayadesignsLast night, J and I had our first real miscommunication that required us to stop what we were doing and talk about it. I reacted snippily to his phrasing, he assumed it was his fault, I realized I was being defensive because I thought it was my fault, and in reality, it was just a miscommunication that needed to be ironed out.
I got to thinking-- the phrasing I reacted to questioned if I knew what I was doing about something. This is one of my big triggers, and as we talked about it more I was able to parse out that it's because I often feel like it's assumed that I don't know what I'm doing (and yes, a lot of that has to do with the fact that I'm female, and so it's culturally-assumed that I always need help of some sort). This is something I run into multiple times every day, even in little, often unremarkable ways. It's something I'm also sensitive to because I have a history of being told I'm not good enough by insecure, manipulative people, and so it's something I tend to have a shorter fuse on because that's a lie I believed for a really long time. I'm better about dispelling it now, but it's ingrained, and I'll be dealing with it in some shape or form forever.
Plus there's also that thing where when someone is really competent and confident, they often (and by "they" I clearly mean "I") get labeled "snobby" or "uppity," so it's really hard to find that culturally-accepted medium between "not good enough" and "too good" (ugh), and that's immensely frustrating. There's no line to tow-- it often feels very damned if you do damned if you don't to me, and I'm not great with nebulous boundaries. Hence my likelihood to get snippy. My issues, let me show you them.
Anyhow. First-- we talked about it. We didn't get passive-aggressive and juvenile and there were no harsh judgments or names called. Second-- he listened to me. Check out that already marked improvement over my last relationship. Score. He didn't just assume that he was in the right and above having a conversation about it. He didn't listen to me for the sake of pulling apart what I was saying it before he'd truly understood it. He didn't insinuate that it was my problem or my fault or shame me in any way. He let me explain my piece, he explained his, and then we agreed on phrasing that might work better next time as well as resolving to be more aware of our own triggers.
I don't want to bring my baggage into this relationship, but it will happen occasionally. It's not my fault, but it is my responsibility to handle it and own it when it does. And I am immensely, immensely grateful to have a partner who trusts me to do that without giving me ultimatums and trying to control the way I handle it. There is no power imbalance-- we work as a team. I didn't realize until I started seeing men like him and Tex just how much I'd been missing simple compassion from my partner. The willingness to meet halfway without resentment. This is a good place to be.
When all was said and done, we were a little bit closer, and things were perfectly fine in the morning. This is a good precedent to set. Yay for better conflict management.
I got to thinking-- the phrasing I reacted to questioned if I knew what I was doing about something. This is one of my big triggers, and as we talked about it more I was able to parse out that it's because I often feel like it's assumed that I don't know what I'm doing (and yes, a lot of that has to do with the fact that I'm female, and so it's culturally-assumed that I always need help of some sort). This is something I run into multiple times every day, even in little, often unremarkable ways. It's something I'm also sensitive to because I have a history of being told I'm not good enough by insecure, manipulative people, and so it's something I tend to have a shorter fuse on because that's a lie I believed for a really long time. I'm better about dispelling it now, but it's ingrained, and I'll be dealing with it in some shape or form forever.
Plus there's also that thing where when someone is really competent and confident, they often (and by "they" I clearly mean "I") get labeled "snobby" or "uppity," so it's really hard to find that culturally-accepted medium between "not good enough" and "too good" (ugh), and that's immensely frustrating. There's no line to tow-- it often feels very damned if you do damned if you don't to me, and I'm not great with nebulous boundaries. Hence my likelihood to get snippy. My issues, let me show you them.
Anyhow. First-- we talked about it. We didn't get passive-aggressive and juvenile and there were no harsh judgments or names called. Second-- he listened to me. Check out that already marked improvement over my last relationship. Score. He didn't just assume that he was in the right and above having a conversation about it. He didn't listen to me for the sake of pulling apart what I was saying it before he'd truly understood it. He didn't insinuate that it was my problem or my fault or shame me in any way. He let me explain my piece, he explained his, and then we agreed on phrasing that might work better next time as well as resolving to be more aware of our own triggers.
I don't want to bring my baggage into this relationship, but it will happen occasionally. It's not my fault, but it is my responsibility to handle it and own it when it does. And I am immensely, immensely grateful to have a partner who trusts me to do that without giving me ultimatums and trying to control the way I handle it. There is no power imbalance-- we work as a team. I didn't realize until I started seeing men like him and Tex just how much I'd been missing simple compassion from my partner. The willingness to meet halfway without resentment. This is a good place to be.
When all was said and done, we were a little bit closer, and things were perfectly fine in the morning. This is a good precedent to set. Yay for better conflict management.
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no subject
Date: 2008-06-19 02:47 pm (UTC)Yay conversation/discussion versus argument/fight!
no subject
Date: 2008-06-19 02:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-19 03:38 pm (UTC)Its little things like this that can help a relationship grow, but you know that. So yes, yay for Better Conflict Managment.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-19 05:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-19 07:40 pm (UTC)But they'll NEVER get on Springer that way.... :)
no subject
Date: 2008-06-19 05:59 pm (UTC)This is great! We try to do that with our misunderstandings by doing exactly as you did - talk about the problem from both sides, resolve that problem, then tackle the underlying assumptions/triggers so that we can hopefully anticipate the same issue and head it off with better vocabulary and foresight.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-20 10:31 pm (UTC)I think that because the two of you can actually talk out a miscommunication in a civilized and supportive manner, that is a great sign of a healthy relationship. Misunderstandings happen. It's how you deal with the confusion/upset or hurt that is the key.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-21 10:34 pm (UTC)As
I'm sure Jason has his own triggers just waiting for you to set off.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-22 01:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 03:37 pm (UTC)